Minding my own business with my partner in a food tech lesson, the last thing I expected was to be singled out by my teacher and criticised for being too quiet.
Pulling me aside in front of the entire class, among other things she disparaged my lack of eye contact and made clear that my personality fell short of her expectations.
‘You can change, you know. It’s much better to be loud’, Confused, I wondered why the same treatment hadn’t been given to some of my classmates who I viewed as equally, if not more reserved. I told myself not to be so sensitive, but it was hard to forget.
Are You an introvert?
These sorts of awkward conversations continued into sixth form and filtered into my part-time job. I found myself repeating almost exactly the same scenario at work, this time with a particularly unpleasant shift supervisor.
Although she was quite a bit older than the barely 18-year-old me, she had decided to dissect my character in front of a group of colleagues.
‘Do they teach social skills at university?’ particularly stung, and finally, ‘are you an introvert?.’
Sadly, these types of conversations will not be unfamiliar to those who grew up on the shyer side. Each time, I felt extremely uncomfortable, without knowing why. Looking back as an adult, I know I should have said something, but I had felt paralysed.
As if they had every right to ridicule me for what they saw as an inherent character flaw, when in reality, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a bit more reserved.
What is an introvert?
The word introvert had begun to take on a different meaning for me. Every time someone used it to describe me, it felt like another kick in the gut for my confidence.
And it’s not exactly a neutral term. A cursory Google search of the word extrovert will get you synonyms such as “friendly”, “exuberant” and even “life and soul of the party”. Among the many charming equivalent terms for its counterpart, standouts include “timid”, “narcissistic” and “unsociable”. Evidently, both of the identifiers have become incredibly misunderstood.
Coined in the early 1900s by psychologist Carl Jung, the descriptors were further popularised by Hans Eysenck in the 50s and 60s. At the time, they referred to nothing more than the level of mental stimulation that each personality type needs to be satisfied – meaning that extroverts generally want a bit more excitement in their lives.
Although this type of behaviour affects many areas, like leisure activities, it also involves social interaction. Studies show that extroverts experience more dopamine activation when they socialise with others.
This does not mean that introverts want to avoid human contact altogether, but they simply do not need to socialise as much as extroverts to feel good.
Modern-day redefining of introverts
Today, another definition has come to the fore, characterising the two mindsets in terms of energy levels and whether or not each personality type needs time alone to “recharge”.
Despite this attempt to reframe the discussion in a neutral way, introversion is incorrectly linked to a lack of social skills, especially in a culture with an undeniable extroversion bias. Some have decided to reject the labels altogether, and identify as a third – ambivert, which is pretty much somewhere in the middle.
Lauren, a freelance journalist, explained: ‘The more I read about ambiverts, the more I think it describes me 100% because I don’t neatly fit into the introvert or extrovert categories. I like time on my own, but I also love socialising and being the life and soul of my party.’
For a while, I too much preferred using this label, seeing as it seemed to describe me so much better. But it soon got old.
Besides the problem that it’s not exactly a well-known term, it’s impossible for anyone to be exactly half and half – one side will always be more dominant. Fairly recently, articles have been published claiming that ambiverts don’t even exist.
Tackle the divide between introverts and extroverts
New tools have made it much easier to go beyond the divide. The immensely popular MBTI or Myers-Briggs personality test has seen everyone and their uncle declare that they are a certain combination of the foundation’s all-important letters.
These tests are perhaps overly reductive and to be taken with a pinch of salt. However, they recognise that people’s identities are influenced by all sorts of different factors, and also acknowledge the possibility for change. I’m a lot more extraverted than I was just a few years ago. According to the test, I’m now an ENFJ, having been a staunch INFP for years.
In recent times, there has been a big push to highlight the value of introverts. Books like Quiet by Susan Cain have been incredibly influential in helping to shift our culture away from the extrovert ideal. New research has also attempted to explain why we shouldn’t try to limit our personality to the narrow sets of criteria on either side.
For example, Cambridge University psychologist Brian Little has highlighted that there are four aspects of the Big Five personality schema, apart from extraversion – agreeableness, conscientiousness, neuroticism and openness to experience – and that all of these have their own spectrums.
Attitudes need to change
Confining yourself to one of these aspects, or believing that your personality type will define your life, is incredibly reductive. Going out of your comfort zone and trying out new ways to express yourself may open up all kinds of new possibilities. Equally, I’ve learnt to not pigeonhole my identity with a label that is far removed from how I view myself, or believe anyone who says I should.
Although we are unlikely to ditch the deeply ingrained extrovert-introvert divide any time soon, our attitudes towards others need to change. Trying to be more thoughtful and empathetic when interacting with people is always a good thing, whether they have a loud personality that you find a bit overbearing or they are more of a wallflower.
When chatting to someone who may be more reticent in social situations, be kind and appreciate the effort that they have made to come out of their shell. Your words may have more of an impact than you think.