Are you a people-pleaser? Do you tend to put others’ needs before your own? It’s a pretty common conundrum. While we may think we are helping others by ignoring feelings of disappointment or anger to avoid conflict, we are actually doing the opposite. The solution? Communicating clearly by setting boundaries. Boundaries don’t necessarily mean being cold or pushing someone away from you — they’re simply a way to protect your own well-being and build stronger, healthier relationships. So here are some ways you can set healthy boundaries in your own life.
Reflect on your limits
The first step towards setting boundaries is to consider what you need to feel happy and safe. Reflect on past experiences where you felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable or frustrated. For example, maybe you felt drained recently at a party after a long day of lectures and didn’t have a good time. This can help clue you in so that next time you receive an invite but you’re too tired, instead of feeling obligated to go, you can politely decline.
Communicate openly
Once you begin to understand your own needs better, the next step is to communicate those needs to others. For example, if someone brings up a subject that makes you feel uncomfortable in conversation, instead of engaging with it, let them know. Don’t frame your response in an accusatory way such as ‘You need to stop talking about that,’ but rather in a way that clearly expresses how you feel, such as ‘This is not a topic that I feel comfortable discussing right now.’
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Practice saying no
An important part of how to set healthy boundaries is learning how to say no. Saying no is a habit, so in order to get better at it, you need to put it into practice. If you find yourself saying things like ‘maybe,’ ‘I’m not sure,’ or ‘I don’t know,’ consider a simple and friendly ‘No, thank you,’ instead.
Don’t explain or apologize
For a lot of people, our first instinct when we start setting boundaries is to overelaborate. For example, if someone invites you over and you don’t want to go, don’t say things like ‘I would, but I have to do x, y and z, so maybe I could come later, but probably not’ or ‘I’m really sorry, but I can’t. I wish I could, though.’ Instead, try phrasing it in a way that expresses your gratitude, such as ‘I can’t today, thanks for thinking of me, though.’
Stay consistent
Once you’ve begun to set boundaries, consistency is key. It’s not something you have to do once, but time and time again, which can be a lot of work. The good news is the more you do it, the more you get used to it, and the easier it becomes. You’ll be pleasantly surprised by how much more positive your interactions become. It also helps you become a better friend, partner and family member because it helps you recognise others’ boundaries, too.
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